Someone I never knew life without, and someone I always thought I'd have.
My little sister, by three years, the ones that could make me laugh harder than anyone else
I have ever met, still.
Kelly was diagnosed with cervical cancer at age 23, after finding out she was pregnant.
The meeting was plain and simple. Hard to listen to, and like a movie.
And as many questions as my entire family had, (we walked in like one, big,
crazy mob), I don't think she asked a single one.
When the option of terminating came into the conversation, it was dismissed.
But continuing with the pregnancy would surely create the "unknown".
Unknown speed of spreading, (its slow growing but fast moving) and unknown
stage at the end of the nine months.
With ending the pregnancy, being so early on, it would
guarantee a fighting chance, chemo and radiation could begin.
"This baby is my guardian angel, I would never know about this without them."
That is all she said.
Noah Kelland States was born Feb 12, 2000 at 3 lbs 10 oz.
Kelly's "baby house" was removed from her body and radiation followed.
We had a few great months, an awesome
vacation, and many "just like old times" days which gave us promise.
Then the cancer returned.
I watched the girl that echoed my dreams of raising our kids together and
maybe starting a business as moms, turn thinner and in horrible pain.
And when the holidays of 2001 came around, I knew she wasn't well.
Noah turned two, and the hospital staff threw a party for him.
Kelly smiled as he made his rounds, through each patients room, in his wagon.
A temporary escape, if only for an hour, of the illness.
Then, a few wks later, she fell into a deep sleep.
I had no idea that those times visiting would be the last ones we would
laugh about eating Swedish fish with a
feeding tube or bringing her cool ranch Doritos at 10:00 pm.
The end of the month came and my mom called one Sunday. It was time.
We called my sister Stacey, who was at school in Colorado, to meet us.
We were planning some "girl time", for the last time.
For seven day exactly, my mom and two sisters, spent every single minute together in
Kelly's hospital room.
Although she is "resting", the nurses swore she could hear us.
We gave her manicures, shaved her legs, watched Judge Judy.
Even busted on this one woman that Kel couldn't stand, who was always stopping on the annoy us.
We told stories and said prayers, and read her favorite highlighted verses from the Bible.
And that next Monday, with all of us there, we turned to Lexi who was telling a joke, and my
sister let go of her pain.
Like I had heard my mom whisper to do, she saw her light and followed it.
My sister, Kelly Leigh Wylie, was gone on March 5, and our lives will
forever be changed.
Although THAT day seems like yesterday, it feels like forever that I've
talked to her.
All she ever wanted to do was be a mom.
Bake her unbelievable chocolate chip cookies and wash a t-ball uniform.
But for some reason, God's plan was not for her to live here,
but to teach others FROM her days of living.
We helped my mom go through her baby books for the service, with the highest hope that yes,
people would be sad, but even more, find a message.
A message of hope.
A testament to a mother's unending love, and ultimate sacrifice.
It was more than we could have ever hoped for.
Every tear with glistened with a glimmer of light, I swear it was.
A light only lit through a story, and that, with one important line. Live for today.
There was a letter read, that none of us but my mom had ever heard.
It was a note that Kelly had written to someone that was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.
The most amazing letter that I have ever heard and in her words, describing her
outlook and journey that this woman was about to begin.
It was full of hope, and although aware things aren't in her control, offered so many refreshing
words of encouragement.
She mentioned that although she would have loved to have a big family
like her sister, it was okay, she had a beautiful little boy and her life was full.
This loss was two fold.
On one hand, here I sat, over night, having lost someone I talked to
every day of my life.
I called her a few times each days, our kids were supposed to live down
the street from each other, and we had a whole life planned out, she was gone.
Then there was the other side of my heart..
My role as a mom, and watching MY mother have to bury her child.
There is not a doubt in my mind I couldn't have made it through all of that without her.
But I CANNOT IMAGINE, her loss, from that side.
And yet, every single day, she checked on us, talked about God's plan and became a
fountain of strength for all around her.
We has so many talks about the "miracle" that was going to take place.
And then it didn't.
Mom would continuously say God has given her legs that aren't collapsing like she always
imagined they would.
And being blessed with a Teflon shield, that is keeping her "basket case" away.
Then reminding us, that through her ultimate sadness, we need to remember, children are on
loan from the Lord.
They are His, and he can call them back when He says it's time.
She cried and cried, but that bond with God, made her a pillar for all of us.
She was unreal.
"Dear Noah" letters were created. Sent to him from many people, to tell him how these friends knew
her, and some stories about things they shared through they years.
I requested "over 21" ones from her closest
peeps....
I want the juicy stuff, for when he's grown, so he can see the "Friday night" mom of his.
Love it.
It is so important that those lost young, or anyone for that matter, get to leave having made
a change, even a bit, in people.
I love telling parts of her story...it's too long, and emotional to hit everything, but bits here and there.
I love talking about the great person she was and even
more, how many have been touched by her.
Maybe appreciating things more, or maybe not getting as easily stressed, even
just here and there.
I remember the nurses that she grew to know, and then one day, towards the end, none of them
being around.
I thought that was strange until one of our favorites came in and explained that
they all had a meeting to talk to a therapist.
They were her age, and become emotionally affected by this "journey" of hers,
how they had grown to feel about her and the family.
We were speechless.
If you have ever had this kind of loss, young or old, it is so important to be okay with
however it affects you.
I tried for months to not have my meltdowns of crying in front of my kids.
I used to hide in the laundry room and just bawl and bawl on the dirty clothes.
Then my husband pulled me aside on Christmas Eve, during the ugliest of all,
and said, IT'S OKAY. THIS HAPPENED.
YOU CAN CRY AND THEY WILL HAVE QUESTIONS AND YOU CAN
ANSWER THEM. IT IS LIFE.
I took classes, and if you don't mind snot running down your face for ninety minutes, it is rewarding.
No one stares and no one judges.
People with broken hearts are wonderful friends.
I was taught, what I still say today, about having to create a "new normal".
And your goal is to one day, to get out albums, or home movies, and be able to watch your
loved one with a smile and teary eyes.
You can talk about life lessons every night of the week.
What you learn from the economy, less money, or Charlie Sheen's latest rants.
But at the end of the day, in families across the world, people are taken from those that love them.
Someone will now live, on a daily basis, without that smile, that story teller, that friend, that child.
And just as they have to alter their thinking, take from it, and pick up to continue on, you can too.
You can live with a head held higher, or hugging a baby tighter.
You can try your best to not lose your cool with the electric bill for them.
Or maybe even not complain about having to wash those mud stained baseball pants.
Thinking only of my sister, who's dream that was to do.
In honor, we chose to do the best we can, for someone who we respected,
or loved, or maybe even just heard about.
Let us all wake up feeling a little more lucky, and fall asleep a little more wise.
Set in your mind that yes, some days it will be hard seeing that tornado come through
but know it is put there for a purpose. It will make us stronger in the end.
Now I have two people to honor.
My mom's name was called more recently, opening the gates for one beautiful reunion.
Stacey and I spoke at her service (just like Kelly's) and my son Gavin had the words of
a grown man.
He told me how cool it was that while Nana was here, she could only see
two of her children for the last years. But now she can see all three of us again.
Live a life that would make those, who may not have been finished yet, smile.
Not only is it a tribute, but an antidote to anything negative.
Family, friends, addictive spirit and zest for living.
Do it for yourself, do it for your family, do it for them.
Live for today.
I miss you Kelly, every single day.
Noah is the token from you, for this earth, and will forever remind us all of what you truly stood for, love.
No comments:
Post a Comment